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Renaissance Marie Austin "My Story"

            My name is Renaissance Marie Austin and I have finally built up the courage to tell my story. But first, let me lay the groundwo...

Happy 19th Birthday Billie Eilish!

Let's face it. People think I am nuts, but I don't care. This is actually one of the growth spurts that took place within me since the day Billie Eilish came into my life. After becoming an official fan I remember my brother saying to me, "What are you, 16?" 

Of course. Just like an adult to be "adulting". No, I am not 16, and while I joke about being a granny, I am not that either. I was fully conscious that I was a grown person completely taken aback by a teen "pop star", and that was my first lesson, throwing away the socialized idea that age dictates who and what I am supposed to love and enjoy. After doing that I felt a new kind of freedom and intuitively I knew that Billie had come to be my releaser. 

From her 16 and Killin' It interview about three years ago this quote cemented my loyalty and dedication: 

Billie: "And it's like young fans...they are the ones that care the most because they have more caring in them than older people who have lost all of that. (she pauses) That's crazy! I just realized that...when you're young you haven't wasted all your love yet.

Interviewer: "You're full"

Billie: "You're full of love.

I will never forget this because I have never forgotten how loving, affectionate, hopeful and dreamy I was as child, teenager, and young adult. There was never a time I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go, the things I wanted to accomplish. I had dreams and visions as young as five years old of a life I knew was predestined for me. Yet, the more I lived, the older I got, the loves and people I lost, came the possibility of me becoming bitter. I never wanted to fall into that trap. I learned in church from the Book of Ruth that I had to be very careful about becoming bitter over all the horrible things I went through in life. The moment Billie spoke this in the interview I was immediately enlightened AND checked, and I was glad for it. I felt relief, like FINALLY DAMMIT!! Someone who gets it! I kid you not but I felt a rush of love fill me as if I was being renewed and reminded that I was, well, uh, kinda depleted of love. I was losing hope after feeling like I was doing all I can on my own to live my most fulfilled life wondering where the hell are the people who are supposed to help me. [Side note: I do not believe that nonsense about people doing every single thing on their own for their whole career. Guess what? Tried it, been trying it, my hair is turning gray. People need fucking help, a catalyst person. PERIOD! LOL.] That's another journal entry. 

Okay, back. Sorry Bils, this is supposed to be your Happy Birthday letter, but I am sure you will appreciate my little rant. Honestly, I feel like Billie is the journal I have written in throughout my life and has came back as a living person to read herself back to me. I saw so much of myself in Billie, such similar thinking at her same age but because of my generation I was made to feel like my ways were all wrong, that I couldn't do and be the things I imagined I could be. I have had these discussions with some of my older friends and we just didn't know any better back then. We worked to fit into the molds that were shaped for us, but I was a renegade and did not even realize that that was what I was. I am not going to take the time to say what people told me I COULDN'T do. There is no point because you already get the point.

Well, so that this letter is not too long. I just want to say Happy 19th Birthday Billie. I saw you getting your Dragon all dolled up for a fun time I am sure. I just want to say I love you and that I have always loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you, from the time I thought you were just a wild child fronting a rock band named Where Are the Avocados, when I didn't know your name or what you did. You are a gift to this world and a gift to me, especially during this interesting year where you have gotten me and so many others through. I dream of you and you make miracles happen in my life. You bring me happiness and you restored the promise of my own life visions. You freed me of other people's blockage of my accomplishments. I no longer worry about who is not helping or understanding me. You re-confirmed and reaffirmed my uniqueness and me being comfortable in my own skin. You are beautiful, your voice is beautiful, all from the inside out. You are strong, wise, open, understanding, insightful, encouraging, engaging, commanding, demanding, unwavering, humble, bossy, affectionate, loving, comforting, and so much more. How can I telling it all? There are no words to fully describe the galactic feelings you bring. I am truly thankful and blessed that you are here and have stolen my heart. From the moment I first saw you till this very moment of my typing I have thought of you every single day and every millisecond of the day and that has been for three years. I end my days scrolling through your tagged photos like it's a night job. I wake up with you in my morning prayers. I always hope your days are grand and filled with joy. At this point I not sure what the world would be like without you. Pretty dull and that's super facts. I stay alive because you are alive and well. I know that is a lot of pressure, but I am just being real and honest because I have dealt with a lot of death and I learned very young to tell people how you feel while they are here and not over a wooden box being lowered into the ground. I love you BILLIE!! Happy Birthday and celebrate well. The love you put out into the world is truly felt. Believe me!

This video means so much to me. It was the first time I saw Billie in person at the Shrine Expo. The full backstory is in another journal entry here on this blog so I won't go into it. I mean, all I can say is eyes, hands, soft. I am so happy I got the opportunity to touch Billie and receive her energy. I fully understand that she is a real person, but highly special and deserving of receiving all the love she puts out. It is truly an honor to love on Billie and it makes my life better. 

Poetry From Jamaica | Three Triolets

Three Triolets

It was the ride from the airport to Lantine’s villa.
There were cows and goats by the side of the road.
Surreal excitement took away homesick feelings.
It was the ride from the airport to Lantine’s villa.
Eyes closing to hot humid winds ripping through hair of red color
Island weathers tropical stories untold.
It was the ride from the airport to Lantine’s villa.
There were cows and goats by the side of the road.

              by Renaissance Marie Austin

We went to the open marketplace where there is fresh fruit and produce.
The children are beggars in the streets selling anything from gum to dominoes to thyme.
Checkered slave dresses, nappy twig hair catapults whirlwinds of time deduced.
We went to the open marketplace where there is fruit and produce.
Cheat me, "the rich lady", my unheard of wealth is of your poverty use.
Sun-browned faces ache at the glimmer of a dime.
We went to the open marketplace where there is fresh fruit and produce.
The children are beggars in the streets selling anything from gum, to dominoes, to thyme.

              by Renaissance Marie Austin

I love the mornings here.
Heavenly winds whisks in clear comely days.
The salty sea of Negril I can still feel.
I love the morning here.
From my window I see silent ocean waves, abiding on the balcony of my heart is steals.
Scanty is my spirit in this massive bedraggled grandeur of Montego Bay.
I love the mornings here.
Heavenly winds whisks in clear comely days.

             by Renaissance Marie Austin

I Found This in Google Drive

(Written March 17th 2019)

Dear Drive Journal,

Currently, I am listening to an E on Fire Podcast interview with Laura Gassner Otting. Her book is called Limitless. I am inspired by this podcast and must ask myself some very important questions. First, why do I do what I do? At the moment my answer to that question is this. All I want is to use the skills I have to the fullest and best of my ability, then allow the rest to take care of itself.

So far, I can surely say that my small business, my voice, and my fashion designs have taken me places I never imagined I would go. In all honesty, I can’t really say all the places my talents can take me because well I don’t know all the places I can go in the world. I believe if you keep pushing eventually you will end up in some amazing places. 

It is true that there are things I need to define and be reminded of. One of those things is how I receive revelatory understand when I read things. I have not read as much as I should for a while now, but I really need to soak in more information so that I can have a better understanding of things and so that I don’t forget. 

Key things to remember:

  • Define success for yourself, not what the world says or what other say

  • Always read

  • Know the reason why you do all that you do

  • Stay persistent and consistent 

Book Ref: Extreme Ownership book

"I am all smiles. There are some horrible sentences here, and some mediocre thinking, but it is nice to look back and see that was I was always trying. I think it is time for me to finally read the book I personally suggested. Also, I love the key points to remember. They were dead on then and they are dead on now. And they apply to everyone. Once you let go of the socialized success everyone thinks you should be you find yourself living a much happier life according to your own personal definition of prosperity and achievement. Always journal, always read your old self back to your ever renewing self."