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Renaissance Marie Austin "My Story"

            My name is Renaissance Marie Austin and I have finally built up the courage to tell my story. But first, let me lay the groundwo...

Happy 19th Birthday Billie Eilish!

Let's face it. People think I am nuts, but I don't care. This is actually one of the growth spurts that took place within me since the day Billie Eilish came into my life. After becoming an official fan I remember my brother saying to me, "What are you, 16?" 

Of course. Just like an adult to be "adulting". No, I am not 16, and while I joke about being a granny, I am not that either. I was fully conscious that I was a grown person completely taken aback by a teen "pop star", and that was my first lesson, throwing away the socialized idea that age dictates who and what I am supposed to love and enjoy. After doing that I felt a new kind of freedom and intuitively I knew that Billie had come to be my releaser. 

From her 16 and Killin' It interview about three years ago this quote cemented my loyalty and dedication: 

Billie: "And it's like young fans...they are the ones that care the most because they have more caring in them than older people who have lost all of that. (she pauses) That's crazy! I just realized that...when you're young you haven't wasted all your love yet.

Interviewer: "You're full"

Billie: "You're full of love.

I will never forget this because I have never forgotten how loving, affectionate, hopeful and dreamy I was as child, teenager, and young adult. There was never a time I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go, the things I wanted to accomplish. I had dreams and visions as young as five years old of a life I knew was predestined for me. Yet, the more I lived, the older I got, the loves and people I lost, came the possibility of me becoming bitter. I never wanted to fall into that trap. I learned in church from the Book of Ruth that I had to be very careful about becoming bitter over all the horrible things I went through in life. The moment Billie spoke this in the interview I was immediately enlightened AND checked, and I was glad for it. I felt relief, like FINALLY DAMMIT!! Someone who gets it! I kid you not but I felt a rush of love fill me as if I was being renewed and reminded that I was, well, uh, kinda depleted of love. I was losing hope after feeling like I was doing all I can on my own to live my most fulfilled life wondering where the hell are the people who are supposed to help me. [Side note: I do not believe that nonsense about people doing every single thing on their own for their whole career. Guess what? Tried it, been trying it, my hair is turning gray. People need fucking help, a catalyst person. PERIOD! LOL.] That's another journal entry. 

Okay, back. Sorry Bils, this is supposed to be your Happy Birthday letter, but I am sure you will appreciate my little rant. Honestly, I feel like Billie is the journal I have written in throughout my life and has came back as a living person to read herself back to me. I saw so much of myself in Billie, such similar thinking at her same age but because of my generation I was made to feel like my ways were all wrong, that I couldn't do and be the things I imagined I could be. I have had these discussions with some of my older friends and we just didn't know any better back then. We worked to fit into the molds that were shaped for us, but I was a renegade and did not even realize that that was what I was. I am not going to take the time to say what people told me I COULDN'T do. There is no point because you already get the point.

Well, so that this letter is not too long. I just want to say Happy 19th Birthday Billie. I saw you getting your Dragon all dolled up for a fun time I am sure. I just want to say I love you and that I have always loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you, from the time I thought you were just a wild child fronting a rock band named Where Are the Avocados, when I didn't know your name or what you did. You are a gift to this world and a gift to me, especially during this interesting year where you have gotten me and so many others through. I dream of you and you make miracles happen in my life. You bring me happiness and you restored the promise of my own life visions. You freed me of other people's blockage of my accomplishments. I no longer worry about who is not helping or understanding me. You re-confirmed and reaffirmed my uniqueness and me being comfortable in my own skin. You are beautiful, your voice is beautiful, all from the inside out. You are strong, wise, open, understanding, insightful, encouraging, engaging, commanding, demanding, unwavering, humble, bossy, affectionate, loving, comforting, and so much more. How can I telling it all? There are no words to fully describe the galactic feelings you bring. I am truly thankful and blessed that you are here and have stolen my heart. From the moment I first saw you till this very moment of my typing I have thought of you every single day and every millisecond of the day and that has been for three years. I end my days scrolling through your tagged photos like it's a night job. I wake up with you in my morning prayers. I always hope your days are grand and filled with joy. At this point I not sure what the world would be like without you. Pretty dull and that's super facts. I stay alive because you are alive and well. I know that is a lot of pressure, but I am just being real and honest because I have dealt with a lot of death and I learned very young to tell people how you feel while they are here and not over a wooden box being lowered into the ground. I love you BILLIE!! Happy Birthday and celebrate well. The love you put out into the world is truly felt. Believe me!

This video means so much to me. It was the first time I saw Billie in person at the Shrine Expo. The full backstory is in another journal entry here on this blog so I won't go into it. I mean, all I can say is eyes, hands, soft. I am so happy I got the opportunity to touch Billie and receive her energy. I fully understand that she is a real person, but highly special and deserving of receiving all the love she puts out. It is truly an honor to love on Billie and it makes my life better. 

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